happy father's day, abah!!!

yup, he's my dad!!!

yay, finally i've said i love you to my dad verbally on the phone this morning while wishing him happy father's day! if i remembered correctly, i never said it verbally before. i 've only said it to my mom. and in my mom's case, she said it first recently only! i was stunned but managed to say i love her back. since then, those three words flow easily between us...

we are the kind of family that shows and expresses our love by actions rather than words. so, it's actually awkward saying it verbally. i usually write them in words, in birthday card, raya card and other greeting cards. ok, enough on that and let me introduce my father a little bit. if u saw him for the first time, u would think that he's a stern and serious dad. to spice things up, he was once a discipline teacher.

on the outside, yes he is stern and serious. but on the inside, he's actually a a funny and warm person. he might seem like a man with a few words, but one he started on a topic he likes, u'll be the one begging him to stop. because of that, i learned a lot from him. u should see the sms he sent me. it was long and formal. even my close friends laugh when i showed it to them.

when i was small, it was him that told me the bedtime stories. i love his expressions. sometimes, he even made up his own story. he also loved to teach me nursery rhymes. and one of his famous and favourite rhymes is 'baa baa black sheep.' he even translated the song into malay and it went something like this:

baa baa kambing hitam, kau ada bulu

ya tuan.. ya tuan.. tiga karung penuh

satu untuk tuan saya, satu untuk puan saya

dan satu untuk budak lelaki di hujung jalan

he would sing this standing, while jiggling his round tummy! i always love it! in my family, my mom would always do the nagging and scolding. so, it's quite rare seeing my dad doing it. but once he's angry, hoho... u wishing u never made him angry in the first place.. i made him angry once.. in my case, my mouth is always the reason i'm getting into troubles even until now. abah, thank you for everything! you're the best dad in this universe! i love you with all my heart! happy father's day!!!

have u ever...

have u ever felt that u wanna run away as far as u could from anyone who knew u because u need some times alone?

have u ever felt that u are such a failure and u could never set things right again no matter how hard u tried?

have u ever felt that it's better for u to die than being alive just because by being alive u are being a burden to those people who loves u the most?

have u ever felt that u want to stay in your room forever, not wanting to have any contact with the outside world?

have u ever felt that you want to turn back time and made the done undone?

and all those time, u felt that ways, there'll be countless of advices saying that it's ok and everything will be back to normal! just hearing those words made u want to throw it back to the person saying it because deep down, u know that things will never be the same again. all those mistakes, all those harsh words cannot be undone. u just have to face the fact and continue moving on with those scars planted deep in you heart.

it's easy to give advice and emphatize with others but we all knew that we will never truly felt the things they felt. maybe you have the same experience but don't expect it would be exactly the same. so please remember to say the right word at the right time.

it hurts when hearing things like,'it's okay! it's nothing! you're okay! you are not really that sick. it's just the mind playing tricks on u! hey, i know u! u are not that kind of person!' eventhough u mean well, and i know there's not a single malice in those words (perhaps there is in certain people), i'm not okay and i will have to live with that my whole life... and i think only Allah knows who i really am since i'm a mystery even to myself most of the time...

but i'm still lucky for having so much people who cares and try their best to understand the situation i'm in. although i kept pushing them away especially my parents, they stucked to me like the atomic particles in the elements. they are my O to my O in oxygen, the are my O2 to my C in carbon dioxide and so many more. the same goes to my dearest friends... so, judge me if all u want but only a few judgments by a few chosen one will get to my thick and hard head!

[SONG] SHINHWA 12th Anniversary - TOGETHER 4EVER (Eng/Kor Sub)

ps: someone gives me the 'shinhwa bug' and that someone dedicates this song for the three of us!