well.. well.. guess what? a few of my entries from before were written in my manic episode. i think you might guess which ones. the thing about bipolar (for me) is it's easy to sense your depression but hard to sense your mania. during my latest manic episode end of last year, i was 100% certain that i wasn't manic eventhough there were few obvious signs; believing to be in relationship with one of the A-list hollywood actor (*loki* cough..), full of energy (need less/no sleep) and head full of ideas (some of them are outrageous). the main reason i keep insisting i wasn't manic was that i couldn't finish my university's assignments, haha.. i always thought when i'm manic, i'll be able to write those assignments in the blink of an eye, i was deadly wrong though! and it lead me to repeating those subjects again and there goes my dream to finish my study within the original time frame given.
but this manic episode is less severe than the couple of them before. i think i only hurt a few people but the few people are those that mean most to me, my family. and to add to that, my family was now more familiar with my condition that they knew how to handle it. they put me into the care of the professionals a.k.a i was hospitalized for about two to three weeks. it wasn't a pretty picture for me though. i was feeling betrayed. how could my family, the one i trusted the most keep me lock in a 'crazy hospital' i cried every single day i was there. my family never miss to visit (they took turn, sometimes my parents came, sometimes my siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins and from here you could notice how lucky i am to have these people that i consider my support systems) me every single day. still, i hate them. even miss A visited me (thank Allah for a great friend).
and again, my faith in Allah was also tested. many questions popped in my mind. why me? why Allah put me in this condition? why am i even alive? is it better for me to be dead? the suicidal thought is common and i keep contemplating the best way to end my life. i imagined shooting my head from all angles (front, back, sides, influenced by movies), cutting my wrist, jumping off the bridge, drowning myself in a bath tub (another influence from the movie) and overdosing on medication (the only method that i honestly believe i could proceed with). during my hospitalization, i made a few friends. they were in before me, so they got out before me. i became extremely closed with miss N. she was suffering from schizophrenia. we did a lot of activity together; colouring, planning our future (which is quite outrageous now when i'm 'sane'), singing and even causing troubles for the nurses. she got discharged before me and still keep in touch for a short time.
the reason for us to stop keeping in touch was because miss N refused to accept her condition. she didn't continue with her appointments with the doctor and this lead to her to cease taking her medication altogether. when i tried to advise her, she rejected me. miss N believed she is pregnant with septuplets. i believed her when we were together in the hospital. but once i got better, i knew that she wasn't and later told her that it was just her imagination. i still follow her on facebook and she still believe her phantom pregnancy. during my conversation with her in the hospital, she told me that she was all alone. nobody came to visit her. i think this is why it is hard for her to accept her condition. i have a strong support system to help me through this hardship where as she got none.
i had several minor depressions after my mania. it was hard to get back into a normal life. there were a lot of changes after i got discharged. the workplace especially. one of the causes for my mania is my workplace's atmosphere. i got in an major disagreement with my superior. i still didn't like him until now, haha.. when i came back to work, one of my closed colleague got transferred and there were a couple of new faces. truth be told, i don't like my workplace until now. i don't know where i fit in. i felt like one of those misplaced jigsaw puzzle piece. i always felt left out even when i try my best to go along with everyone and everything. it just wasn't me, i felt fake. i'm planning to go back to putrajaya soon. at least there, i could easily hangout with my closed friends. if i am to go back to putrajaya, the only thing i would miss is living with my parents.
ps: the point of this entry is as the aforementioned topic/subject.. i think i would recognize and familiar with bipolar, but i didn't. even with medication, even with strong support system, even when you are stable for quite some time, it could always lurking back into your life when you least expected it... and again it is also hard to explain the situation to people who lack awareness on mental health problems.
