Reading back on previous entries, made me feel a bit awkward...๐
I can't believe I wrote those. Felt like somebody else was writing it. But, I could see how my writing style changes as I grew older and hopefully wiser. My early entries gave impatient, young, 'angry' vibes and my latter entries tend to be more 'slow and moderate' pace.. Okay, honestly I don't know how to describe it but I hope you get what I am trying to explain...
And seeing the gap between this and my previous entry, surely you would guess that a lot of things had happened and one of them is me performing my Hajj... Maybe, I would dedicate an entry or entries to my Hajj's journey later, insyaAllah... For in this entry, I just want to talk about my 'singlehood' status... ๐ That's why I been scrolling through my previous entries, checking whether I have talked about this.
I had, not exactly on 'singlehoodness' but romantic relationship in general or marriage specifically... During my late 20s and early 30s, people will always ask me why am I still single. And during this period of time, I would easily get irritated by them. My answer will always remain the same, 'Jodoh saya belum sampai...' or directly translated as, 'My soul mate hasn' t arrived yet... ' (guilty of using Google Translation... ๐)...
But now, in my 40s (yup, not so young anymore) or even in my late 30s, when people ask me the same question, I would answer it genuinely, without the irritation with the same answer... Becaude I deeply believe in Allah' s decree... I would be lying if I said that I am totally fine being single at this age... I am fine but not totally fine (now I am making this confusing, haha..), but I think you get what I am trying to say...
I envy my married friends, with their spouses and children. I want to experience that. I want to be a wife, I want to be a mother, I want to experience all of it... And during my lowest moment, I would question Allah, why am I still single all this time... Am I so unworthy to be loved? Am I so unfit to be a wife or a mother? Is it because of my mental illness that I still single? Is it because I am so ugly that no one wants me? Am I too outspoken that men find me unattractive? What should I do? What should I change? So many questions asked... Shameful, ain't I?
And at this moment, alhamdulillah, I will encounter verses from the Quran that lifted my spirit. And some of them are;
๐นAllฤh does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286)
๐นAnd whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them. Certainly Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for everything (Surah At-Talaq 65:3)
๐นIf Allah touches you with harm, none can undo it except Him. And if He intends good for you, none can withhold His bounty. He grants it to whoever He wills of His servants. And He is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful (Surah Yunus 10:107)
๐นWhatever mercy Allah opens up for people, none can withhold it. And whatever He withholds, none but Him can release it. For He is the Almighty, All-Wise (Surah Fatir 35:2)
๐นThey planned, but Allah also planned. And Allah is the best of planners (Surah Al-Anfal 8:30)
๐นO believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah is truly with those who are patient (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153)
So, I accept whatever Allah has planned for me. If I am destined to marry, then marry I will. But if my fate that I remained single in this worldly life, I trust Allah provides me partner in the Hereafter...❤️ Allah is the All-Knowing and All-Wise...
