S. I. N. G. L. E. H. O. O. D.

Reading back on previous entries, made me feel a bit awkward...😅 I can't believe I wrote those. Felt like somebody else was writing it. But, I could see how my writing style changes as I grew older and hopefully wiser. My early entries gave impatient, young, 'angry' vibes and my latter entries tend to be more 'slow and moderate' pace.. Okay, honestly I don't know how to describe it but I hope you get what I am trying to explain...

And seeing the gap between this and my previous entry, surely you would guess that a lot of things had happened and one of them is me performing my Hajj... Maybe, I would dedicate an entry or entries to my Hajj's journey later, insyaAllah... For in this entry, I just want to talk about my 'singlehood' status... 😆 That's why I been scrolling through my previous entries, checking whether I have talked about this.

I had, not exactly on 'singlehoodness' but romantic relationship in general or marriage specifically... During my late 20s and early 30s, people will always ask me why am I still single. And during this period of time, I would easily get irritated by them. My answer will always remain the same, 'Jodoh saya belum sampai...' or directly translated as, 'My soul mate hasn' t arrived yet... ' (guilty of using Google Translation... 😂)...

But now, in my 40s (yup, not so young anymore) or even in my late 30s, when people ask me the same question, I would answer it genuinely, without the irritation with the same answer... Becaude I deeply believe in Allah' s decree... I would be lying if I said that I am totally fine being single at this age... I am fine but not totally fine (now I am making this confusing, haha..), but I think you get what I am trying to say...

I envy my married friends, with their spouses and children. I want to experience that. I want to be a wife, I want to be a mother, I want to experience all of it... And during my lowest moment, I would question Allah, why am I still single all this time... Am I so unworthy to be loved? Am I so unfit to be a wife or a mother? Is it because of my mental illness that I still single? Is it because I am so ugly that no one wants me? Am I too outspoken that men find me unattractive? What should I do? What should I change? So many questions asked... Shameful, ain't I?

And at this moment, alhamdulillah, I will encounter verses from the Quran that lifted my spirit. And some of them are;

🌹Allāh does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:286)

🌹And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them. Certainly Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for everything (Surah At-Talaq 65:3)

🌹If Allah touches you with harm, none can undo it except Him. And if He intends good for you, none can withhold His bounty. He grants it to whoever He wills of His servants. And He is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful (Surah Yunus 10:107)

🌹Whatever mercy Allah opens up for people, none can withhold it. And whatever He withholds, none but Him can release it. For He is the Almighty, All-Wise (Surah Fatir 35:2)

🌹They planned, but Allah also planned. And Allah is the best of planners (Surah Al-Anfal 8:30)

🌹O believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah is truly with those who are patient (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:153)

So, I accept whatever Allah has planned for me. If I am destined to marry, then marry I will. But if my fate that I remained single in this worldly life, I trust Allah provides me partner in the Hereafter...❤️ Allah is the All-Knowing and All-Wise...

my confession

remember when we were young, we sometimes have some imaginary friends to keep us company when we were lonely? or we pretended that our dolls and stuff toys are truly alive, so that we had conversations with them. well, in my adult life, in my current life i still do have imaginary friends and all of the are my imaginary husbands and boyfriends. i don't have to imagine any friends for i have a lot of them in  real life. you'll only imagine things that you couldn't have in real life, right?

as pathetic as it sound, i do prefer married to fictional characters either characters from books, tv shows, movies, comics or manga. the reason? these husbands act due to my imaginations. i control them and by controlling them, i could control the feelings i have. i would never be sad, heartbroken or anything. i couldn't control how people act in real life and even if i could, i wouldn't. it's a little bit cruel to control people in real life for they have the right to think and act how they want.

but controlling fictional characters is a good way to train your brain, hehe.. you had the opportunity to explore the creative side of yourself. your imaginations may not be good enough to be published into books or movies, but still they are yours and you need to think to create them. here are some of my fictional husbands. some of them, you may recognize from my previous entry, love life.

• hajime kindaichi from the manga 'case file of young kindaichi.' of course here, i'm miyuki nanase
• kengo akechi, also from case file of young kindaichi
• shinichi kudo from the manga 'case closed.' here i assumed the role of ran mouri
• hatake kakashi from naruto
• dr reid from criminal minds
• dr sweet from bones
• tony from ncis
• sirius black from 'harry potter' by j.k. rowling
• anthony bridgerton from 'the viscount who loved me' by julia quinn (i'm kate here)
• raine montgomery from 'velvet song' by jude deveraux (i'm alyx)
• marcus, lord westcliff from 'it happened one autumn' by lisa kleypas (i'm lillian)
• joseph, marquess of attingsborough from 'simply perfect' by mary balogh (i'm claudia)
• phillip quinn from 'inner harbour' by nora roberts (i'm sybill)

ps: just got myself heartbroken in real life by a man obviously! so, prefer to stay on the safe side on the emotion road right now by closing back my heart to reality and opening it wide for imaginary..