the picture itself summarizes what i'm writing here. adjust... or don't fall in love... opposite attracts but too much differences repel as well. we have to find the right balance in any kind of relationships. we have to give and take. too much taking or too much giving is bad for you...
recently, i asked my older sister i never thought of asking. i asked her, how long does it took for her and her husband to shift from singlehood to marriagehood. in my eyes, my sister and her husband differs in every way but they managed to find the balance. my sister told me that it differs for every couple. she also mentioned that she asked the same question to my other sister. so i guessed, both of us wondered the same thing before entering the married life.
she said the first year was the toughest period. eventhough they were a couple for about two years before getting married, living together with one another is still a new thing. both had habits that can only be known when living together. because of love, they learned to cope and accept everything about each other. both must be fair and ready to change to achieve the balance
but again, like learning, marriage is along a lifelong journey. we will learn and discover new things. for example, things change when we are blessed with children. oh i forgot to mention, marriage is not just the union of two people but two families as well. for example, i'm the youngest in my family but i may receive younger sisters or brothers through marriage. the same goes for my husband.
people keep asking me, when am i going to get married to the point of my irritation. i know they meant well but still it annoys me, huhu.. like i said, entering into marriagehood is not an easy thing. it's not like what we imagined it during our childhood. remember, when you play masak-masak, kawen-kawen and then you have babies. haha, it was fun right?
but innocent as a child was, we never knew that we would have to encounter hardships, overcome obstacles and facing tough situations to achieve the happy scene we portrayed when we were young. but wait, if i remembered correctly, we still fought when playing pondok-pondok right? see, even as young as we were at that times, we still have our disagreements.
so, i usually answer with the safe answer, most of us the singlaby do, my time haven't arrived yet! i keep answering with the same answer and that made most of them stop asking, huhu... Allah knows what best for us, right? maybe currently, i'm not ready to get married eventhough i think i am! maybe i'm fit to be someone's wife but not fit enough to be a mother.
i'm not gonna lie by saying i'm not affected by it all. i always wonder if i'm gonna die alone, no husband, no children. i imagine being the famous cat lady eventhough i don't have any cat. don't get me wrong, i'm fond of cats but since i'm living with my sis' family, i'm not allowed to have one! in worst scenario, i imagined dying alone and my body would be found only three days later because the neighbour smells something bad (erm, seem likes some movie or drama).
so back to qada and qadar, Allah knows the best for us. Allah will know the right time for me to build a new life with the right person. but still, i know that i have to work hard to achieve it. i am not allowed to stay put and doing nothing about my destiny.
so, i am praying hard that Allah will give me the courage to confess to that one person that i like him. yes, i do have a person whom i like but i get tongue tied around him. honestly, i'm not sure whether he's my soulmate or not. what i know now is i like him for quite sometime. i may have hinted here and there, hoping he'll get my messages. here's another message for him:
dear A,
i don't know if you realize that i like you. i'm not sure if it just like or love since i never been in love before. i confessed that at first i only see you as a friend. we have known each other for more that fifteen years now. during our school day, i saw you like a big brother. but after we each began our working life, i started seeing you in a new perspective.
i'm embarrassed to admit that i became a stalker (hope i won't get charged for this). it's the only way i felt connected to you. if i saw your picture with other girls, i get jealous! yes, i get jealous eventhough we had no relationship (yet).. i'm worried when there's no activity on your social networks; facebook, foursquare etc..
when you either call, sms, whatsapp me, i'm so happy that if i'm alone in my room, i would jump up and down. i'm almost 30 i know, but you manage to make me act like an infatuated teenage girl all over. and maybe if you're reading this, you began think me out of my mind and you are starting to be afraid of me, please don't...
please... oh please if you understand this message, give me a sign. forgive me for stalking you, forgive me for making you feel weird and awkward. i don't want to lose you as a friend. if you don't feel the same way, i understand. i will leave you, i won't disturb you in the psychotic stalker mode anymore. sometimes i think that any girl that can enter your heart and life is the luckiest girl alive.
i'm not perfect but i'm willing to adjust so that i can be with you.. really hope you feel the same way.. again, i truly understand that your feeling might not be the same as mine (the probability is 90%).. when that is the case, please be by my side as my dearest friend..
Love,
E
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