I'm not really sure whether or not, I've mentioned this subject before. maybe I have, maybe I haven't (I'm too lazy to read/scroll over my previous entries, hehe..) so, let's just say I haven't. before I go on further on this topic, let me tell you how this is related to me. I've been avoiding this subject (go public) because I find it is hard for me to accept and harder to tell it to others.
it all began when I was studying in Germany. when we first arrived in Germany, i was very happy and very excited to finally experienced what it was like to live and study in foreign land. we were the first batch to study outside Baden. since i didn't get nine points in a-level, i got to complete extra preparation courses before registering to the fachhochschule (FH).
the preparation courses went well and i was actually having fun. we learned to manage thing on our own and we even travelled to other neighbouring European countries. when we finished our courses, we went to our chosen FH. I went to FH Dortmund with five others but only one person took the same course as mine, informations und kommunicationstechnik (IuK). again the first couple of semester was going great for me. i never had to repeat anything, huhu...
the trouble began around my third/fourth semester. I had a conflict with my housemate and a time and she moved out. it was mostly my fault (but during this time, I never realized that I was in the wrong). I did a lot of mistakes that hurts a lot of people around me. I broken several friendships, I cause grieves to my family especially my parents and I even hurt myself in the process...
when my friend move out, I was very lonely. I was depressed and i even tried to kill myself (suicide) by taking a large dose of paracetamol. but after realizing that I'm not really prepared to die, I went to the hospital and went to see the doctor. I didn't told the doctor about my suicidal intent, but I told him the reason I took such a large amount so I could get better faster, which he looked at me sceptically. luckily enough, the doses I took was not fatal so I went back home relieved.
during this time, I didn't attend classes (4th semester). I didn't even get out of the house. I retreated into my own little world. I was paranoid and I made my own world with my fantasy. I felt that everyone is against me. I believed I'm 'married 'or 'going to get married' with one of the boy there.and whatever, I read on the internet, usually blogs, there were all about me or related to me. I couldn't differentiate between fantasy and reality, there was a very fine line between them.
my parents, my father first than followed by my mother had to come to Germany and accompanied me. my father even got deported. during this time, I went back together with my father to Malaysia and then came back to Germany with my mom with the purpose to pack things to go back to Malaysia for good. I sorted of running away from my situation and didn't tell anyone (friends) abput going back home. I left a lot of untied ends. but that moment, it was the only and best solution to my problem. I couldn't concentrate on my study and I didn't want to face anyone in Germany.
when I first came back to Malaysia, I just didn't want to see anyone. I slept and stayed in my room most of the time. this was rare for me since I was normally a lively and happy go lucky person. my parents brought me to several traditional practitioners because they thought some paranormal anomaly/entities were the cause. it was not until, my medic friend (truly indebted to her) during INTEC suggest me to go to a psychiatric that the real cause was found.
I was initially diagnosed of having
major depresession (it was not until later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder). I was given the drug or more famously known as
Prozac. still at this moment, I was not 100% believed I was that sick. taking the drug did get me better but there were a few side effects that I hate. gaining weight was what I hate the most. I took the medication for about six months and during one of the appointment with the doctor (I saw the doctor alone and my parents had to drive me all the way to Malacca because it was the closest hospital to us in Segamat with psychiatrist expert), I told my parents that I didn't have to see the doctor again and that I'm cured (I lied and the consequences came to chase/bite me later in life).
because of this reason, I didn't have to pay back my scholarship. I continued to study multimedia communication part time at Open University Malaysia (OUM). my life was normal until 2008! in 2008, I got a job as an immigration officer. I went to the compulsory three months training. during this training, I felt like I'm top of the world. nothing could break or pull me down. I felt that I'm above everyone. and I barely needed sleeps. during this moment, I felt very smart, energetic, powerful and better than the rest. and because of these things, I tend to break rules and did whatever I want regardless for the training strict rules. I got into a fight with one of the facilitator and even threw his phone across the road (we are in good terms now). I was send back home (RTU - Return To Unit) without completing my training and I only had two weeks left!
and I was on the road to a psychiatrist once again. this time, my uncle (doctor) introduced me to his colleague at hospital putrajaya. in my opinion, he is the BEST doctor ever (his name is Dr Azizul). this time around I'm finally, correctly diagnosed of having
bipolar disorder. I had an depression episode and a
manic episode as well. again I was given medications;
olanzapine and lithium carbonate). and from this second time around, my mother will surely follow me to the appointment in order to avoid me lying again.
the thing about bipolar is you could still get them again and again even with medication. there would be triggers that made you felt again into the episode either manic or depression. I had a few of those episodes and the doctors will again increase your medication. once you are stable, the doses will be lessened. currently, I'm taking fluoxentine (anti-depressant), quetiapine (anti-psychotic) and lithium carbonate (mood stabilizer). I just went through a depressive episode last april and that was the reason for the medication cocktail. usually, I only took quetiapine and lithium.
the thing about having a mental illness is people tend to think of it as a make up illness and it could only get better through sheer willpower alone. when a person didn't come to work because they are depressed, most of the co-workers would think that the person is simply lazy. most people doesn't know that a mental illness got something to do with the body chemical and hormones as well. we need to take medication the same way as cancer patients do! I think that is all for now and maybe later I would touch this topic again.
ps: to those whom I have hurt before, I truly am sorry..
